An Englishman’s Guide to International Blood Bowl – Part Uno

The Englishman’s Guide to International Blood Bowl – Part Uno

The benefits of an international Blood Bowl tournament can at first seem manifold. They offer the reclusive, vitamin-deficient English Blood Bowler the chance to experience new and exotic locations. They present an ideal opportunity to cultivate inter-league relationships across the globe and to open up diplomatic ties with nerds of all different kinds. They also allow you to plant your nation’s flag into the thorax of a defeated opponent while singing God Save the Queen.

However, upon closer inspection the very notion of attending an overseas tournament is reckless and anybody considering it should be actively discouraged from doing so. Leaving the safety of England’s green and pleasant shores to play board games will leave you broken, crying and completely unable to comprehend what you have just seen.

However, for those true mavericks, adventurers and drunks who decide to board that plane to unknown lands it is important to know exactly how to survive in the cut-throat world of international Blood Bowl. There are certain rules that, if followed, will marginally increase your chances of making it back alive. The first, and most important being…

Always Travel in Groups

Safety in Numbers: Blocktors Without Borders and the French cling to each other for dear life – Lucca, Italy, 2015

The world is a dangerous and frightening place filled with strange people speaking strange languages. Although the English Blood Bowler is a hardy breed – being raised on a primarily potato-based diet and subjected to a relentless onslaught of rain and disappointment – he has always been vulnerable to anything that cannot be addressed by hitting it in the back of the head with a pint glass.

For this reason it is imperative that your first international event be un tournoi d’équipe, otherwise known as the proud English tradition of Lads on Tour! These types of events have long been the mainstay of the globe-trotting elite and have been so for good reason. Humanity’s herd mentality has kept it alive for thousands of years and, when being subjected to the gusset-clenching terror of a fully caffeinated Spaniard slamming down a plastic-rimmed dice cup, there is no more comforting a thought than knowing that several of your friends are enduring the same thing.

Of all the multitudinous congregations of debauchery and sweat-soaked bodies that loosely define themselves as Blood Bowl tournaments, there are two that stand tall as the continent’s flagship events: the Eurobowl and the World Cup. The Eurobowl is an annual gathering – excluding World Cup years – of eight man teams from all over Europe. What began as a fledgling meet-up between only a handful of countries has blossomed into a hyper-charged event that attracts teams from almost twenty countries. Each nation has their own process for selecting worthy/willing/unwilling candidates. For example the Danish employ a Byzantine points accumulation system over the course of a year: if you accrue enough then you are selected for the team; if you don’t then you are shipped off to Iceland in a longboat and your passport is burned on a Viking funeral pyre.

And, if you are one of those few Englishmen unworthy of wearing your beloved nation’s colours across your breast then there is still hope. In addition to the battle for national pride taking place head and shoulders above you, there is also the Europen. This is a side event running in parallel to the Eurobowl itself, open to the dregs and the mentally unfit of the Blood Bowl community. Whereas the main tournament requires a strict adherence to nationality and blood purity, the Europen allows players from all nations to team up and intermingle into a single incoherent force that would have Alfred the Great spinning in his grave.

The other tournament – the World Cup – will next year hold its fourth incarnation. It has previously been held in such sun-kissed locations as Nottingham and Amsterdam in the peak summer month of November, and in 2015 was the catalyst for almost one thousand over-stimulated, under-achieving nerds descending on the quiet Italian town of Lucca. So far there has been a surprising absence of fatalities, however with the 2019 World Cup being held close to a large body of water this can be expected to rise into the thousands next year.

Know Your Place

The English have long been unable to function without the stern leadership of their social betters and as a member of the unwashed peasantry you are no different. If left to his own devices an Englishman will quickly become disoriented and walk off a cliff and so, when travelling overseas, it is critical that you do so under the benevolent gaze of local lord or baron. The mainland Europeans will be aware of this and so most tournament organisers will insist that you nominate one of your number to be ‘captain’.

This person will be the very embodiment of England and where they tread, its laws shall follow. They will be your eyes and ears overseas, your shield against the wanton barbarity of Continental Europe. In an official capacity they will be your voice, for you are a low-born pig unworthy of speaking for your country. It will usually be the captain who takes a controlling role in the organisation and logistics of your trip, and once arriving on foreign soil they will be the point of contact for the enemy, responsible for setting up games, paperwork administration (the best part of any Blood Bowl tournament) and general strategy.

A good captain will be innately aware of what is going on in each game and will provide on-the-spot instructions as to how their players should conduct their games. Will a draw in your game secure an overall team win or should you push for the win? The captain will let you know, leaving you free to spend your time mistranslating English into French and accidentally conceding the game.

The Extra Mile: A captain’s responsibilities do not end on turn 16 – Stockholm, Sweden, 2016

Brexit Means Brexit!

As an Englishman you have already left Europe once and, although you may have acquired a taste for it, you would be foolish to attempt such a feat again. Whilst this guide focuses on the perils that wait for you on the other side of The Channel it cannot claim to be of any use should you choose to venture further out into the world. Multiple continents host tournaments throughout the year, such as the Chaos Cup in the temporarily independent British colony of America and the Spike Magazine Championship in the ‘sort of but is it still really’ British colony of Canada.

These events are approached at your own risk and this guide cannot be held responsible if you are devoured by a rabid moose or a slightly peckish Blood Bowler.

Tune in for Part Two which will address the unenviable prospect of competing in Europe alone. It will also provide indispensable advice on what to do should the nightmare scenario – international Blood Bowlers coming to England – finally happen.